I’m in the middle of a mental health…not “crisis,” for that implies that I’m about to do something dangerous. And I’m not.
But I am grieving. I am in a bad place. The Bad Place, I call it, actually, but it’s way less funny than any motherforking shirtballs. I’m not going to hurt myself or others, but it’s rough. Hopeless. In some ways, even more so than before I committed to living, for now, I don’t have any direction in which to travel. I’m lost. And I’m broken.
For almost six months, I’ve been struggling with a deepening depression. In the past few weeks, some trauma from 20 years ago has surfaced that I can barely look at. I’m ashamed. I will share all that in time, but that will take time. My life is not the same as it was before I uncovered these this. And I can never go back, however much I beg for a ride in a blue box.
But in the meantime, I know four things for sure:
- I am a writer.
- I am a teacher.
- I want to love well.
- I want to be brave.
To be honest, I don’t know if it will get better. It’s bad. But if we, as a society, don’t start talking about these things, more people will die. I’m committed to life. But that’s a cognitive commitment. That’s not how I feel.
By God, I will be brave. I will grit my fucking teeth and make it through another day. Another minute, even. And in the midst of this viscous hell, my determination to get to the next moment is Rock-Fucking-Solid.
I’ll post here when I can. I want to share my story to show that we who are grieving are not alone. I want to share my story — maybe it will be cathartic. Maybe not. But maybe we will start talking about these things more openly. We offer sympathy and grace for broken limbs. We should do the same for broken hearts. Without the fear. Without the feeling sorry for someone. Without ostracizing them further.
We must recognize and validate our broken hearts, even as we work towards the healing that right now, seems 93 million miles away, in the center of the sun.
We can share our hurting hearts. This one is mine.
Welcome to “Sharing Grief: stories of a broken heart.”