A quote from my (current) favorite post from my (current) favorite blog reads as follows:
It’s going to hurt you every time you think of it. Sometimes this will happen at weird moments. When you’re least expecting it. When you encounter a small detail that only has the most passing commonality with what happened to you.
And when that happens, you’ll feel like you’re dying. Your stomach will twist into knots. Your chest will grow heavy. All of you will hurt. And ache. And hurt.
And I know that it’s going to continue to hurt. Over and over again.
Sometimes it will feel like it’s never going to get better. It will feel like it’s just as fresh and raw and painful as the first time it hurt.
But it will get better.From “It’s Going to Hurt Over and Over Again Before It Gets Better,” found at https://poly.land/2019/10/23/its-going-to-hurt-over-and-over-again-before-it-gets-better/
Today is pretty good. A solid 8/20. For me, who a few weeks ago was at a 2/20, that is a great improvement. It isn’t perfect, and before the weekend, it may dip a bit, but I am there. And I think that I am steadily improving.
But good Lord this is taking a long time. It is hard. And sometimes raw. And Thursday is probably gonna suck. But I am pushing through. I am not stopping.
Words of Affirmation
Last week, I received these words from a friend. I think I read that about 72 billion times, until finally, I wrote her and told her that they were so meaningful to me.
When she wrote me back, she told me that I had given her these words, some years before. I don’t remember giving them to her, but I remember her writing. I remember her love of others. I remember how she impacts others. I was changed by her words then, and by what are apparently my own words now. And for better or for worse, I can never go back.
What Happens Now
Who the fuck knows?
There are a few areas in my life where things are changing, and they will never go back. Ever. And honestly, I wouldn’t want them to. My partner and I have a rock-solid relationship. I am growing. And all the other bullshit that comes with a post like this. (Just to be clear, these aren’t bullshit — I just can’t do platitudes right now.)
I don’t know what happens next. I wish I did. So I will end this with a few things I do know:
- I know that I am worthy of love.
- I know that I don’t yet love myself, but that I deserve to.
- I know that I am capable and really quite good at loving others.
- I know that my partner loves me.
- I know that my friend’s words were timely and meaningful.
- I know that I want to connect with people I love.
- I know that stopping hurts. Going hurts. Sometimes, though, neither hurts.
- I know that I have the capacity for joy.
- I know that I want to have deep, meaningful relationships in my life.
- I know that I deserve to love and to be loved in return.
- I know that this is gonna take some time.
- I know that it will never be the same.
And I don’t want it to be.